


Send Nudes

by xkingevelynx (ebony_dove)



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bee is just having a rough day with lots of emotions, Comedy, Crack, Gabriel is trying, Innuendo, Suggestive Themes, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Unsolicited nudes, accidental texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26924182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebony_dove/pseuds/xkingevelynx
Summary: Autocorrect is the worst, and Beelzebub just knows that somehow, this is all Crowley's fault.or, in which Beelzebub, the prince of hell receives unsolicited nudes from a certain Archangel.
Relationships: Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 57





	Send Nudes

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this story to auto-correct and also the lovely people on the ineffable bureaucracy server.

At this point, the meeting was tipping into its fourth hour which -according the Beelzebub’s watch- was approximately THREE HOURS and FIFTY-FUCKING-FIVE MINUTES TOO LONG. They sprawled back in their chair, shoes kicked up onto a pockmarked desk, slowly losing their will to live. One could only stare at a panel of nervous looking demons for so long. Currently on the chopping block was the disposable demon, - _Erin? Ernie? Eric_! -who stood before the princes, body trembling as he glanced between his papers and hells council, a shivery, frantic smile fixed on his face.

It stands to reason then, why they nearly sighed in relief when the stuttering voices were replaced by an odd cooing noise. Every eye in the room turned to look at the prince of hell, or more specifically, at the pocket from which said noise was emanating from.

Even demons know that it is incredibly rude to answer one's phone during a meeting, so Beelzebub relaxed back into their seat and allowed the strange bird noises to continue.

Eric who had stopped at the first interruption stared at the elder demon in panic until Beelzebub addressed him with an unimpressed tilt of their eyebrow. “Well, get on with it then.”

bobbing his head he frantically began shuffling through his pages. “Right, well as I was saying _-“_ _The demon was once again stopped, this time by a choir of heavenly voices singing-_

 _‘Most highly favored la-dy~.”_ _The strains played louder and louder until with a grimace Beelzebub retrieved the little flip phone just in time for the loud proclamation of-._

 **"-** **GL-OR-IA”**

The phone was unceremoniously dropped, the other demons clamping their hands tightly over their ears.

_In growing frustration, Beelzebub reached into their pants pocket and retrieved their phone, pawing at the cracked phone screen until they could see Gabriel`s number flashing brightly._

_Of course, it was Gabriel, he had even included his own photo when he`d added himself to their contacts._ _With a couple of haphazard swipes of their finger, they successfully canceled the call. Slamming it face down on the table they fixed a heated glare upon any of the demons who dared to look their way. Once they felt the room had been suitably cowed they returned to the poor disposable demon._

_“S-Should I come back l-later ma`- uh, -sir-, your highness?’ he stuttered, looking for all the world as if he would jump at the chance for discorporation if it got him out of their line of sight any faster._

_“No” Beelzebub growled. ‘-Get on with it”_

Eric opened his mouth and their phone let out a loud ping!

“What the hell do you want?” Beelzebub cursed down at their infernal, loud enough that the other demons jumped. Eric, unsure of what else to do, tried his best to continue. Beelzebub, having dropped all pretense of listening to their report, they furiously flipped open the phone and jabbed insistently at the buttons until they mercifully managed to hit the right combination and Gabriel’s message log popped up.

_Hey ;)_

_Beezy,_

_Call me back, I have some important news._

“Satan`s bloody fucking bullocks” Beelzebub spat under their breath and typed back their reply in a flurry of angry jabs. They were far too angry to notice the rather significant error they had made as they gave one last angry poke and closed the infernal device with a pointed ‘snap.’

Little did they know of the great evil that had been pre-installed into their phone (curtesy of Crowley), known as auto-correct.

_Just send the nudes, idiot._

\--

Gabriel`s day in contrast had gone perfectly! He had reorganized his nest, adding several layers of downy feather in shades ranging from lavender to mauve. After that he had caught up on reviewing last centuries expense reports, he`d even had time for a short jog before the sun (and the humans) had risen. 

[It wasn`t that Gabriel didn`t like humans it was just that they seemed to like him a little too much, especially the female ones. He liked to think that the humans were simply inspired by his angelic presence and drawn to follow his example of heavenly diligence. in reality, it was because his ass looked fantastic in sweat pants,]

All in all his day was going just as planned when a certain little demon finally decided to reply to his messages.

_‘Just send the nudes, idiot.’_

He stared back at his screen, sure that he`d misread them. Gently tapping at the screen he checked and then double-checked. No, it definitely said 'nudes.' 

Cocking his head in confusion he rolled back in his chair, looking back to the little black and blue device nestled between his growing stacks of fitness magazines.

“Alexa” he requested politely “what are nudes?”

The robotic voice piped up with a cheerful description that left the angel blushing. He sat in silence for a moment before slowly closing his gaping mouth and swallowing reflexively.

Surely there had to be some mistake? He checked his phone again, but sure enough, it said it right there, clear as day. 

This was very…sudden. 

As far as he knew the demon had never expressed any interest in his form before, had they? 

He wondered how long they had secretly been admiring him. 

He did not feel it was boastful to admit that he did have a rather nice body. He took very good care of it, exercising it and making sure it was always clean. 

He made his way over to the far wall were he had miracle a full-sized mirror.

He could see why they might want to look upon him, he was very beautiful. His eyes were selected from the prettiest of humans, his shoulders were broad and commanding, strong legs built from rigorous exercise.

It was actually rather inspirational, perhaps he should send some of these ‘nudes’ to Aziraphale too, he did seem to be lacking in motivation lately. He flexed his calves in the mirror and was pleased with the way the muscles bulged.

He turned to the side and admired the firm curve of his arse. He did cut a very fine figure, it shouldn`t have been such a surprise that Beelzebub might want to continue admiring it when he was not around.

Now that he thought about it, he could remember one occasion where they had threatened to 'kick his well sculpted ass' but he had assumed they were only joking. 

And he supposed there wasn`t really any reason to deny them. ‘Thou shalt not present they naked image to thy enemy’ wasn`t written in stone anywhere.

Mind made up he snapped his fingers and miracle his clothing off and into his closet. Pulling out his phone camera he used another miracle to position it optimally, adjusting the ambient, too bright light until it played off his skin in a way that he found agreeable. It took him a few shots in a variety of poses to learn how to display himself so that his favorite features had been captured. 

Once it was done, he found himself quite satisfied. Nodding in approval he chose a few of his favorites and sent them off to the prince of hell. With a renewed spring in his step, he headed back to his desk, eagerly awaiting the demons reply.

The day had been hell, which given that they were the prince thereof should have seemed insignificant but Beelzebub didn`t give two shits what anyone else thought at this point. Grumbling under their breath they slid back into their throne, kicking off their shoes in agitation.

A sharp pain in their rear propelled them back on their feet. Letting out an angry hiss they reached into their back pocket, drawing out that twice damned infernal device.

_Dammit Crowley, you’re not even here anymore and your still a pain in my azz’._

Clawing open the flip screen they stared at the screen. It read _5 notifications from Gabriel Arch-wanker ._ Puffing out their cheeks in exasperation they prodded at the center button to open the messages and promptly froze in horror. The mobile dropped through their fingers before quickly being scooped back up by trembling hands. 

It was just the stress of the day getting to them, clearly they just needed a vacation. 

Beelzebub dangled the screen by two fingers as far away from them as their short arms could manage. Closing their eyes and giving the bridge between their noses a good pinch they willed their heart to stop racing. With one more fortifying breath they cracked one eye open again and stared.

It was just Gabriel. Just Gabriel, completely naked in a variety of innocently suggestive poses.

they ran one hand over their tired face,

It wasn`t as if they had never noticed. They did have eyes and -despite what some might have said –taste. Gabriel was a hypocritical, self-important prick of an angel but he was also built like the fucking Discobolus. They took another peek between their fingers.

_He does have a tight ass though, and is that his -holy fuck- he`s not even half-hard, what was that idiot thinking packing something like that?_

And he had sent them nudes, as one does. Apparently. 

Their quivering fingers were already dialing his number before they could think better of it.

‘Beelzebub?” Gabriel answered on the first ring. The prick had the audacity to sound bloody cheerful.

“What the fuck is the meaning of this?” They demanded.

“What do you mean,’ The angel mused "you called me?”

“Why did you send me nudes?’

“Oh!” he said excitedly. “Did you like them? “

Beelzebub made a sound of indistinct spluttering.

“Why would you- no, anzzwer my quesszztion first”

“I don`t know what’s got you all hot and bothered, I just gave you exactly what you asked for.” They could practically feel the smugness dripping from his voice.

Beelzebub considered throwing the phone across the room and stomping straight up to heaven to confront the bastard.

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“Check your messages,” Gabriel said patiently.

Angrily, Beelzebub punched a few of the buttons, nearly hanging up twice before finding their way back to his messages. 

They read the text over again, the blood draining from their face as they stared intently at the word.

“Beelzebub?’ Gabriel asked, concerned.

“It was NEWS, you idiot! I meant to say NEWS not- fuck” 

They buried their head in their hand gritting their teeth as they heard the Archangel`s warbled laughter on the other end.

His laughter cut off as the floor beneath him cracked. Their angry fingers scrabbled towards his feet as they pulled themself from the reforming floor of his office, a look of malicious intent flickering through their blue eyes.

“Good morning” the Archangel greeted warmly.

“Fuck you” 

“That was rude,”

“Rude? Rude? I could-why did you send me naked pictures of yourself?” 

“I already told you, you asked for nudes and I gave them to you”

“But why? Why would you do that? It was very…”

_disgusting, unwanted- fucking hot._

_“ -_ Unprofessional” they finished almost too quietly. 

“Your cheeks have gone all red,” The Archangel said fondly, reaching forward as if to touch them. Beelzebub reeled back from his hand. He proffered his hands placidly and they took a moment to calm themself.

“ I could use this againzzt you Archangel I could send these to your supervisors I could blackmail you,” they said as evenly as they could manage. It still sounded more like a question than a threat.

“oh I already did that” Gabriel reassured, waving his hand, unconcerned.

Beelzebub stared. And stared. And then couldn`t stop laughing. It was a loud abrasive sound, they had always hated it, not that there was much reason to hear it anymore (not that they heard it all that often) but the way his entire face brightened made something tighten painfully in their chest. “I can`t believe you” 

The angel nudged their shoulder playfully and for the moment, Beelzebub forgot to pretend that they minded.

“You never answered me, did you like them?’”

Beelzebub looked away, chewing their lip in frustration before turning back. “They were fine,“ they mumbled. 

He fixed them with a look. 

“Okay they were good- great! you should be very proud of yourself. I`m sure half of heaven wants you by now”

“And what about you?" The angel asked softly, eyes shuttering downwards, a quick drag of teeth against lips. 

Beelzebub raised their chin at him with a cutting smile. "I`m the prince of gluttony, all I ever do is want."

-The after effects-

On an entirely different plane of existence, two supernatural entities were preparing for a cozy night in. With a little wheedling and the promise of breakfast in bed Aziraphale had agreed to watch ‘one of Crowley`s spy movies’. Aziraphale always tittered on about how he _wasn`t much for action cinema_ as if he wouldn't be fast asleep before any of the real action began anyway.

Crowley had sunk back into the kitchen to retrieve two wine glasses when a crash and a yelp of fear sounded from the living room. 

Crowley was barreling through the living room before the glasses even hit the floor, yellow eye frantically searching for Aziraphale.

“Angel! What happened- are you alright?” 

The angel was curled up into a ball on the settee, eyes wide as he gawked at the floor. Crowley took a hesitant step forward. “Angel?”

As he moved closer, Crowley could see what the angel was looking at. By his feet was the angels mobile, the one he refused to use for anything but Tetris.

It sat face down on the ground, the light of the screen muffled by the carpeting. Bending down slowly, Crowley reached for the device. Turning it around to see the screen-

“What the fuck!-‘

And dropped it with an inhumane screech and began rubbing at his eyes as if he could physically wipe the image from his retina.

One week later, a joint restraining order against one Archangel Gabriel was miracled atop Archangel Michael’s desk.

With a deep inhale the Archangel looked heavenwards pleadingly before retrieving her sigil, stamping her approval across its face. With a hum, Michael groped beneath the underside of their desk until her nails nudged up against the hidden compartment. It unlatched with a click. A flask of clear astringent liquid falling into her palm. The cap unscrewed easily, as she tossed it into the bin and proceeded to drink straight from the bottle.

Michael tried to think optimistically.

_On the Brightside, I`m never going to have to call another emergency meeting to explain to my brother that Heaven`s official work e-mail is not for sending nudes._

With one more fortifying pull, Michael dialed her emergency contact. The other line rung twice before being picked-up with a perfunctory click.

“Yes, birdie?”

Michael glanced around the room one last time and then lowered her voice conspiratorially.

“Dagon, you`re not going to fucking believe what Gabriel just did”

**Author's Note:**

> If you happened to enjoy this crack-y story please leave kudos/Comments <3 it makes my day <3


End file.
